China 101

So several people have been asking me for more info/trivia about life in China, either for the sheer joy of knowledge or because their friends, or friends of friends, are shortly moving here. Thus, we begin the extremely erratic and mostly unreliable series known as "How to Survive as an Expat in China." You're welcome.

Chinese people love children. Especially babies. A lot. A LOT. So much that they will kiss, and hug, and squeeze your baby non stop, and without asking first. And they will ask for (or just take) pictures of/with your baby. And they will remove your baby from your arms and walk away with him to show him to their friends. And they will snag your 5 year old to pose for pictures with his arm around their 4 year old daughter. And they will offer them unidentifiable and possibly unhealthy treats without your knowledge. And after a few months, you will actually enjoy this kind of thing.

They will also ignore, and even smile on, every kind of antisocial and otherwise humiliating behavior your kids can dish up. Two year old running through the aisles of the grocery store after stealing (and eating) an apple? Workers will chase him down, (happily) and offer him another apple free. Hungry children grouchy and noisy in the formal restaurant? Waitresses will scurry with noodles, crayons, kitchen tours and giant smiles.

The flip side of this is that they will offer you advice (criticism) on every aspect of your child's dress. His head isn't warm enough. He needs warmer mittens. Why does he only have one pair of pants on? When you picked him up a second ago he exposed an inch of skin on his stomach and this will cause him to get pneumonia and die. Or. His shirt is too hot, he looks too warm, are you sure he should be wearing long pants, have you considered split pants? And also, when was the last time he ate?

Luckily, if you don't speak Chinese, these comments will fly right over your silly, poor-parent head. If you do speak Chinese, just pretend you don't. Works like a charm.